Labels: shattered dreams and hopes
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y Labels: human to invisible
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y Labels: will that someone appear soon?
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y Labels: PoPCoRN RaWkS =]
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y Labels: jesslyn is neither happy nor angry
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y Labels: i'm feeling so wrong
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y
*_a liL noboDy wHom yoU'vE iNsPiReD_* Y
Sunday, November 25, 2007
~ 11:30 PM ~
today went to celebrate mama's birthdae at little red house restaurant.. was the first family to arrive cuz pap booked the place under his name.. kinda bored in the front.. no one arrived yet.. s just sat around and listen to the adults talk.. hmmm.. but later all the people arrive liao.. jing and family, lena jie and family, jac and family too.. hmmm.. sometimes i wonder is a gathering reallie fun? sometimes we joke around..
i feel like i'm not part of the cousins anymore.. no more closer.. drifting apart seems suitable.. i dun like this feeling.. i used to have jie jie to talk to me but now no.. jing and jacob are alwaes talking about a topic that i'll never understand.. yupp i noe lahh about his stead mahh.. i dunno.. maybe jing younger so talking to jac abt some things are so much easier.. i hate being the eldest.. i have no one to care for me.. did i take something that make me disappear? why do i feel like an invisible person.. i'm a human with feelings.. i need attention and concern too.. everyone have their own partners to talk to.. who do i have? i noe khoon's angry with me about confronting about the msg he sent to joel.. but i dun think i'm in the wrong..
i may seem quiet but why am i like that?? i reallie dunno.. i wanna be someone that all can talk too.. not an icy cool person.. i can be that person when i'm with popcorn but other times i dunno how.. i dunwanna be quiet.. but i feel that i do not have a common topic with someone.. i dun have similar interest with someone.. i've got nothing..
why must everyone be of different size and mass? why must people be tall, short, fat and ugly? why are tall people usually thin and pretty but short people fat and ugly.. why must people be all different? why must people despise one another..
i wish for a somebody to understand and noe how i feel.. have similar interest as me.. i dun wanna be an invisible person anymore.. i dun wanna turn into an introvert..just someone who cares and i'll be as content as can be.. after the cake cutting, we took photos and later we were about to leave.. and xiang jun jiejie comes to me and sae wed free go kbox or watch movies.. so i say should be fine lah.. so i asked her to inform me.. then should be okiie.. the we talk about so things.. haha.. i'm glad i had this talk otherwise i may really turn crazy.. thank you jie jie for not treating me like i'm invisible.. i really appreciate it..
btw.. happpie birthday mama!! i love you.. wo ai ni!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
~ 1:54 AM ~
hmmm... after watching the movie.. i feel an ache in me.. it just feel so sour.. i dunno why i will feel something like that.. that's wad alwaes happen when i watching a romance movie.. weird huh? i wonder why.. i must sae i'm reallie envious of duke and viola.. viola becuz she's willing to do anything to achieve her dreams.. that's something i think i'll nv do.. how pathetic.. *shaking my head* i dun even noe wad's my dream.. people ask me wad u wanna be when u grow up.. i alwaes dunno how to answer.. i alwaes sae study first.. now i realised my studies are no good at all too.. i'm depressed.. wahaha.. i wanna cry..
and duke.. he actually finds someone he can trust and pour his woes to.. i mean it's not that everyone will have that chance to find that somebody.. i want that somebody too.. haiz.. i think i'm getting kinda too emotional..
but i reallie need to find just that someone.. someone i can trust.. someone that's alwaes there for me.. someone that will be by my side.. i'll be contented enough!
Friday, November 23, 2007
~ 8:13 PM ~
hmmm.. went for camp on the 21 nov.. they sae excos to report at 7:30 then i reported there at 7.24 lahh but then nobody there only chien nee, hidayah, and yew fei lahh.. wah then i super in no mood yet lorr cuz nobody to talk.. but later awhile shermin came!! yay got people le.. then daniel and john also come le.. wah then john use the $4 we paid to buy tidbits and camp prizes for the prefect and peer leaders.. super lot lahh.. one group got so many things lorr..high sugar content..XD i wonder why we have to report to school so early and yet all we did was loiter around and only my enemy had the most things to do.. i hate her.. she always spoils my mood.. her attitude sucks lahh.. =(
okiie so after a long wait it's time for the camp to start.. SCs started to gather at parade square.. so enemy gave the committee a short briefing boosting them with confidence to start the camp.. firstly was marking attendance.. then assigning groups.. 5 groups.. then was ice-breaking and group name and cheers.. so the excos went to join each group lorr.. i went to join group 2 cuz got.... SHERMIN!!! haha.. seow suan ask me why i dun wanna join her group then i say i got people with me mah.. she also got people with her.. but she sae she want me join her group so i told her exco will alternate group sometimes.. but in the end no.. i stuck with group 2.. first exco decided on the theme fruits and vegetables.. then we went back to our respective groups to decide the group name..
at first in group 2 all the members like dun talk de.. so michelle, shermin and i like talking to air like that.. nobody wanna talk de.. finally one of them suggested the name salad.. and all said okiie.. so salad was decided.. then later they wanted to use the fly kite cheer but dunno how so i go ask enemy again.. she gave them 2 cheers to choose one is the dynamite one.. it sounds like this... we are dynamite. dun mess with dynamite. cuz when you mess with dynamite. it goes.. boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom dynamite.. boom boom dynamite.. go.. DYNAMITE! so then they thought was interesting so they wanna to use that cheer but then use salad was weird so i suggested to use corn or popcorn.. then they agreed to use POPCORN! so the cheer becomes.. we are POPCORN.. dun mess with POPCORN.. cuz when you mess with POPCORN it goes pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop POPCORN!!! haha.. cool rite? then just nice the group got 9 people so one person one 'pop' haha.. when they first rehearse the cheer they sounded like reading from a book.. ahahas.. super duper boring but cutE~!!! these are the members of popcorn.. MICHELLE, SHERMIN, BRYAN, ADLI, WEN XIN, WELLY, YUN JIE, UMMI, KHAIRUNNISA!! maybe plus me!! haha..
so then the group when to play games lorr.. then i cant reallie remember wad excos were doing at that time.. haha.. anyways.. it was games, captain ball.. mr low came out to talk to excos lorr.. tell us look for potential people.. tell us to cancel bishan station for amazing race.. actually i think is good decision.. safety first.. then later lunch.. all go out makan.. exco stay in school plan where to hide first clue for amazing race.. so during lunch place them at canteen area.. but one clue kenna seen by BRYAN!! haha.. then daniel *AHEM* loudly to me.. but i still put there lor... anyway suppose to make it easy to find wad.. haha.. the later all gather back liao.. giving briefing at hall there.. then i set of to my destination to wait.. on my way there hafizah call me lorr sae kang kong cannot find the clue.. then i thought kangkong clue is the one behind the orange paper but is not.. it's at the sink behind de purple wall.. cuz i remembered daniel decided to put it at a plant at first then we later change our minds.. so put at easy place.. yet they cannot find.. so we suspect kenne sabotage le.. then seow suan call me she sound lyk she was screaming at me lahh.. i a bit scared lor. also a bit guilty i thought i hai then cannot find their clue lehh.. heart beat at that time was super duper fast lor.. then later enemy go back to give them the clues lor..
i reach giant tampines liao.. wait there first one hour no people come lor.. sad then bloody cold.. i was nearly freezing.. but luckily i brought jacket to wear.. so less cold.. wait and wait and wait.. finally got one group come.. KANGKONG.. then i give them the task lorrs.. as them do as a group.. later lyk 15 mins later another group come.. APPLE TREE.. then they walk pass me but nv see me lor.. finally oone of them turn then saw me there.. haha kinda funny.. then i hear her sae "i feel so clever" i was lyk =.=" then they took like about 30 plus mins to complete lor.. later they all done liao and leave. i'm all alone roaming the super cold and big giant.. imagine walking aimlessly around there.. hmmm.. suddenly feel so lonely in such a cold place.. no one to talk to.. nth to do lorr.. until about 2 hrs later.. going to 5pm le so i was prepare to leave there lorr.. then i sms shermin sae duncome i leaving no time le.. then she call sae they take cab come liao so ask me to wait lorr. then i wait lorr.. then later lawrence also call sae his group on his way too ask me to wait.. so i sae okiie.. since i waiting for POPCORN lor.. finally i found a place to sit down.. then 15 min later lawrence and dionne came they i was sitting there wearing my jacket then they cannot recognise me.. walk pass me.. then they call me lorr.. i pick then say behind you.. then i walk into the cold place again..pass them their task but then not the whole group there so i sae wait whole group come then can.. so finally about 10 mins CHILLI MANGOES arrived.. then they started on their tasks.. the i waited outside cuz i was freaking cold.. anoth 10 mins.. POPCORN finally came!! YAY!! i give them their task.. some of them actually missed me lorr.. haha.. i sit there nv see me de.. so they split the job up.. they did the most unexpected thing.. they tore the paper into half so that they can complete it faster.. haha.. they CHILLI MANGOES complete the task liao then i tell them wait i go back with them and POPCORN together so short free time for time to buy some things.. they POPCORN came back with task done.. also give them free time then fair mahh..so all were ready to leave.. then the bus come lorr.. go to bedok there.. walao bus super shaky and crowded lorr. i dun like.. finally after a 15 min long and squeezy ride.. we reached.. did a headcount before we board the next bus.. need to ensure all safety.. =) nice rite? haha.. thanks SHERMIN alwaes help me headcount!
finally reach back school.. see old excos outside waiting for other excos.. =) i was totally shack lahh..i'm super tired lorr.. nearly died..=X hmm.. then excos cannot shower still so go back ops room rest my feet first.. then later go down for dinner.. then after dinner we go to dnt room.. mr low give talk about future student counsellers.. their duty and stuff lorr.. attire.. all sae no tie but feel that with tie more presentable.. mr low no choice so no tie lorr.. sad.. =( then mr low ended the talk.. then it was time for a movie!! yeah!!! we watched SHE'S THE MAN!! i've nv watch before this movie but it's reallie quite touching i must say.. leave my reflections to the next post bahhss.. after the movie i went to shower lorr.. with enemy but got no choice.. i dunwanna shower alone lahh.. haiz..later gather with committee to do debriefing.. but mr low, ms ong and ms heng came and sae too late so we should go sleep lorr.. then enemy tell them to come at 1.30 to prepare tmr things.. but they came at 1.15.. excos tired le lor.. all wanna sleep.. so we tell them tmr morning then they do.. then they left when it was time.. then enemy sae must do duty.. but she set alarm ring like siao dun wan wake up then daniel, john and me keep waking up lorr..
wah lao nv bunk with john!! he siao de.. at night hyper active de.. dun wanna sleep.. when my time for duty he keep waking me up to do duty lorr..i damn tired le then he keep disturbing me.. hhaix.. hate it.. they finally going to deep sleep le he call me wake up again.. sae 6.30 already!! wake up!! haix.. fed up with him man!! hate u john! argh~~!!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
~ 8:37 PM ~
hmmm... school ended on a bad tone with tendays again.. this doesn't include SE.. i hate that fact that my mood swings are alwaes revolving around tendays especially the girls - zy, cally and rac.. it was supposed to be a quite happy day except for chinese and recess and lessons onward with them.. chinese - i noe lahh zy u got oliver there for CL lessons.. but hello?!?! i'm there too and i'm new to that class there are lots of stuff that i'm not sure.. i'd rather be in B class alone than to joining u in A class but i dun have a choice.. when i wanna ask u something u alwaes use that cannot be bother attitude to answer me... do u think i like it? wad if i try it on u? u would like it too?? i noe u very sociable lahh.. so? does that i mean u have a right to choose your friends? tell me if u dun wan me in tendayys, i can very well step out as if i haven been thru it.. i've been thru such stupid things and i super duper tired of it.. u are a great gang but if u wan me to leave, i dun mind and i wouldn shed a tear for it.. it's not worth it..
then recess, some of the 3e1s passed me their file and told me to keep it.. i'm holding on to the key, i cant sae no.. so i went to put them lahh.. i thott the next lesson would be mrs cheong's lesson and u all wouldn't wanna go out to eat.. but if u were all going out to eat why didn't u guys tell me?!?! someone saw me stepping out the class room to put the file but he didn tell me.. otherwise i would leave to file in class and put if after we come back.. after i put the file, i thott u all were at the canteen so i took all the books that i dun need to the locker and took all the books i wanted before going to the canteen.. but we i got there.. u guys werent there so i guessed it.. u guy went out WITHOUT me? wad friends are u?
later u guys come back, then rac still dare to ask me why i never go?!?! hello?!?! why didn u not ask me before u all leave? dun we remember there's such thing called a phone?!?! u all can wait for zy but cannot wait for me.. how nice.. i noe i sound bloody sarcastic but u think i enjoy what u all have done?? NO!! I DON"T!! hate me for all u want and i give up.. i cant do anything else..
BUT DUN COME APOLOGISING TO ME ON YOUR BLOG! I DUN DESERVE A PUBLIC APOLOGY? AND I HATE IT!!!!! I HOPE U CAN DELETE THAT POST.. I SEE THAT POST MYSELF AND I FEEL LIKE A BLOODY BAD PERSON THAT I NEEDED A PUBLIC APOLOGY!!! I'M NOT!! I HATE PEOPLE APOLOGISING TO ME IN PUBLIC, I'M NOT A PETTY PERSON! i dun write in this blog to blame others.. i write to release my stress..
now i wanna talk about happy stuff.. firstly is my chemistry spa.. i think i did it correctly and hopefully i passed the science practical.. mrs koh let me pass okiie? haha!! titration i did it until very carefully lahh.. dun dare to make mistakes lor scared mrs koh minus my marks.. o level super important lah!! then it comes to physics.. i got the focal length same as miss chia hopefully is correct too and the method is correct too.. i cant thank miss chia enough lehh.. that time the spa trial i dunno mahz so i decided i should go and find miss chia for a retest.. but i still dunnot how to solve so i ask miss chia then she teach me step by step lorr.. then i finally know how to do le.. i noe it's like quite lame lahh.. but really becuz she teach me slowly then i understand and finally know how to do.. i super happie about that lor.. serious!!
i noe rac and zy screwed the test and i couldn't actually be bothered.. i noe i admit this part i'm petty.. sorry i cant help it.. i wanna be nice too but i dun wanna talk to them cuz it reminds me of the recess thing again.. but not only that they cried just like i did for the trial.. but i couldn make an effort to comfort them.. seriously no not at all.. cuz the other time only rac came to comfort me but i really wasn in the mood that day.. otherwise i would comfort them.. but during the trial test when they knew they got the correct answer they were so happy in the lab lahh cannot be bothered about me.. so why should i try to make an effort if then cant be bothered about me.. u all can becuz get correct result and buy bubble tea, i could do so with others but no, i went to do my guides stuff.. i dun wanna look like a baddie but i noe to u i already am.. i noe i can actually be a good gal and friend just staying by ur side and no matter how bad u treat me i should tolerate until u lose such a friend then u noe how to cherish them.. this if from jing's email. thank's jing.. i've learn that and i'll do it the next time..
sorry i destroyed your mood.. made u feel bad but have to pour it out.. this is where i can do it only.. u can not read my blog anymore lahh... i dun mind.. =)
Saturday, November 03, 2007
~ 2:36 AM ~
i dunno why i'm feeling so wrong.. everrything isnt going very smooth.. i got into the chinese class that i didn want to cuz there's alwaes people talking back to the teacher and i want to go back to the next class.. i want more practice on bao zhang bao dao and gong han.. miss leong does a lot on that that.. thus i wanna go back to her class..
i wanna cry can someone lend me a shoulder? there's a mix emotion in me.. i feel so uncomfortable.. i feel so out of place everywhere, at home especially during oh families' gathering.. i'm all alone.. nobody talks to me.. i dun like that.. in school.. cally, zy and rachel are always talking about some stuff that i never will understand cuz they've got 2 years together with each other.. listening to them talk or joining them in conversation make me feel so wrong.. sometimes i dun understand wad they say.. i actually dunno.. they're like buddies but i'm just a normal friend.. it happens in cca too.. i thott shermin and lifang were my friends..but during the meeting they stick close with her.. why? i dunno.. cally and the rest alwaes dun appear for cca and i'm left alone..
i wan a close friend one who will be alwaes there for me no matter wad happens one that i can confide to.. there's no one i can trust.. i can only trust myself.. i wanna trust jing but she's so aloof to me.. i cant break the ice between us.. secondly she said it herself that she cant trust anyone except her sunshine.. that includes me.. wad she said broke my heart.. i cant trust her any more cuz her dun trust me.. sometimes i wish for an older brother.. a brother that can take care of me one that i can count on.. i wish.. for someone to care for me.. someone to be there for me.. someone for me to hold on when i'm scared.. someone to protect me.. someone to hug for warmth.. someone with a shoulder to lend on when i'm down.. someone to love and dote on me.. i guess that may nv happen.. i'm not a person who deserves such nice person.. i'm just a nobody.. i dun leave an impression in people's minds.. i'm a nobody that no one would make an effort to know me.. will someone out there make me happy?
Thursday, November 01, 2007
~ 4:27 PM ~
todae had spa trial test for both chem and physics.. chemistry was considered quite well done and i didn go wrong anywhere.. DAMN!! physics was totally atrocious.. i flunk the bloody test everyone was busy doing it but i completely didn know wad to do.. i tried doing the experience but as i adjusted it, it got just worse and worst.. i can get it.. i dunno why.. i just cant do the experience.. miss chia u shld have taught us how to do such experiment.. i failed it for sure and it was badly done.. DAMN.. i'm fking pissed with myself for not knowing how to do.. the actual spa test is in a week's time and i can actually fail this bloody trial.. jesslyn oh u are such a failure, ure so useless.. u can't even complete a simple experiment for physics on ur own.. even rachel can do the bloody experiment.. why can't u?!!?!!? u better pass the actual spa test otherwise u are really a damn failure.. try to ask miss chia to go through with u!! u better do it understand~!?!?!
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