i was thinking about something while i was on the way home last night..i feel friendships is a very interesting thing.. there's so many degrees/stages of it.. and u can actually watch it progress or slow down to a different degree..
so when i look back at how a friendship started and how it has progressed, sometimes i'll start thinking about what i could have done to make this friendship work or turn out differently.. this applies to the other relationships i have.. like cousinships.. probably due to the fact that i've faced friendship issues when i'm in primary and secondary sch.. it kinda sculpted me to cherish all the relationships i have with different people that means something to me.. there are sooo many friends that i've shared probably more than one special memory/experience and these are the relationships that matter a lot to me..
so when a friendship starts to turn sour and when we start to drift apart. i'll naturally blame myself first.. it's my fault that things turn out this way.. this reminds me of 3 or probably more friendships/relationships that turned have reached this degree..
1) i have a elder female cousin who would talk to me and comfort me when i'm in doubt and down.. i've treated her like a elder sis of mine cuz being the oldest at home.. it's hard to not want to have someone to look up to.. she became the person i looked up to.. but she had to leave sg back then for her further studies. so during that period of time, i would blog like i was writing a letter to her to keep in touch with her.. i guess i one-sidedly hoped that she would talk to me and keep in touch with me.. throughout that period of time, nv did i once received an acknowledgement that she was reading my blog.. disappointed? yes i was. when she returned from her studies, she was a total different person. she felt like a stranger to me. we no longer talked, i ever thought it was because i seem clingy to keep blogging to her.. and till today, i seldom talk to her.. and how things turned out like that remains a mystery..
2) i have a younger female cousin who we spent a lot of time tgt playing barbie dolls when we're young and do sleepovers when we're allowed to. we're super close tgt like we're sisters.. but one day, a quarrel over smth(i totally couldn't recall) tore our relationship apart. its like a piece of glass dropped and shattered.. i tried mending the pieces but it was really hard cuz like the glass, the cracks are still there.. it cannot be covered up.. similarly we both have builted a wall btwn us. in late 2009 & early 2010, the walls came down slightly.. we talked, had so much fun taking photos on lappy with photobooth.. somehow, the walls came back after that.. there always this awkwardness between us.. it isn't easy to salvage this relationship...
3) a close friend whom i very much treated him like a brother. always sharing my weal and woes with him.. a period of time, he's always the person i turn to when im down. to me, he was my bestest friend apart from cally. we had a really strong friendship and would always do things tgt.. but things took a turn for the worse when smth i did got him real mad. i apologised although he said everything was fine now. it wasn't true.. i felt he no longer trusted me.. wadever we talked from then on became very superficial. i'd msg him, thinking i would take the initiative to catch up with each other but replies usually came back to 'haha ok.' or 'lol ok' or 'yupp u too'. i'd end up being able to guess his replies even before he msged back. even talking online would yield in disappointment.. just last night i wanted to inform him about smth. so i typed 'hey', and the response i got was not a 'hi' or 'hey', it was a "yahh??" ppl might say it doesn't mean anything. but to me, it means u are getting in my way & i'm not interested in talking to u.. it's hurts to watch a friendship that i care and cherish so much about turns out this way.. its pains this much probably cuz i've developed more than friendship feelings for him.. :(
this actually makes me realised that friendships/relationship is a two-way thing.. one-sided effort doesn't work out..
the new friendships i've made with randy, weijie and ziwei have made me change my opinions about newly formed/recently formed friendships..
initially, i feel that i usually wont make or give presents for the bday of ppl whom i just made friends with cuz i feel that i do not know them very well yet.. i'll wish them a happy birthday but probably not buy gifts or anything cuz i feel that giving birthday cards and gifts means that u are an important friend to me and that i appreciate everything we've been thru or the experiences we've shared.. (i have to explain to sevens that it is not the reason why i didn prep gifts/cards for ur birthdays this year.. u all mean a lot to me and i love sevens to bits.. but i was unable to find time and opportunity to prep the gifts and give them to you as much as i'd love too..) the fact the randy, weijie and ziwei gave me a birthday gift in advance speaks volumes.. they changed my opinions about budding friendships..
and there are friendships that go in the unexpected (in my opinion) way: which means they are always progressing well.. there's so many but just to name a few, it'll be nuzul, weiren, kaisiang and probably dori..
1) nuzul's one friend i cherish alot, cuz we've been thru so much tgt in council times and we share many many experiences and amazing moments together.. we can practically talk about anything and be happy with just each other's company.. i'll always remember the birthday MMJ she did for me in 2009 and surprising me at my home in 2010 on my bday.. thanks for everything, loveee..
2) weiren's a really really nice friend.. one friendship that started off not really very strongly cuz it was really difficult to sms weiren that period of time.. but over the years, it progressed.. we could talk about anything, good and bad.. he's a great company just like nuzul. :)
3) my friendship with kaisiang's friendship is interesting.. i didn really quite like him in the beginning.. i dunno why.. but just didn have a good sense about it.. but over the mj period.. i found out he's nice. haha always call me dolphin.. we still get to catch up although he's enlisted cuz he's willing to take initiative (it isnt smth most guys will do).
4) i used to be scared of dori.. i dunno why, but there's a period of time i did.. but through council times, she's shown that she's really a sweet girl.. i really enjoy being able to do voluntary work tgt with her.. i'll remember that lovely letter she mailed to me for cny/valentines day.. it's so lovely.. :)
the last and most important kinda friendship is the one that could last for so long, and that we enjoy each other's company even though we have different passion in many different things.. that person's none other than CALLY. our friendship's going 9 years and still strong.. :) she was there everytime i was at my lowest, her company was all that i need to know that i'm gonna be fine ultimately.. ^^
one best takeaway from ndp - meeting gerlyn. she's one strong and outspoken girl.. she makes me comfortable in a unique way. our friendship's really special.. like we can click very easily.. one thing about her that i admire most: she not afraid to speak up, she's a confident girl.. and ppl open up to her easily.. that's the one thing i lack in myself. i dun open up to ppl easily.. i need a long time to warm up to a person..
best takeaway in life - dun expect and dun make promises u can't keep. it only leads to disappointment and despair.. surprises are a joy.. its much better than losing hope due to having expectations about smth and it not happening..
Labels: jesslyn's thinking a whole lot today
